Having To Withdraw From School But Not My Passions

I know it's been a few weeks since my last post and I apologize for that. Life got quite busy once school started and then arrhythmias kicked into high gear. I have been in and out of the ER a few times over the last few weeks trying to get it all figured out. I started a new medication in hopes of getting my water weight down, knowing that in the past having a lot of fluid retention can make me have arrhythmias. It's taken a while but my water weight is finally slowly starting to go down, but I am still having arrhythmias.

It is because of this that I have decided to withdraw from classes. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this and I decided that if I get so sick to the point of being hospitalized, I'll have to withdraw anyways. Plus, I'd rather have a 'Withdraw' on my transcript than an 'F' if I do ever decide to go back to school at some point. 

It was a hard decision for me because I know how valuable education can be. Unfortunately, with my health, I just don't know how doable school is for me. I was enrolled in Grand Canyon University and unfortunately, their schedules for classes were not very flexible. They had me signed up for classes for my Spring Semester: Monday through Friday, from 9 AM in the morning till 3 in the afternoon. A normal healthy 23 year old might be able to do that schedule. But I just can't. And now that my arrhythmias are rearing their ugly heads, it would have been even harder. I had even looked to see if one of the required classes was available online, but it was not and I can't take any other classes before I take this one. 

It's also been very difficult for me walking from one class to the other. I do have a ride pass from the Student Disability Services, but they rarely pick up the phone and I often get transferred to Public Safety. Unfortunately, the majority of the times I have called they have had an emergency and have not been able to come get me so I had to walk to class. One of the times this happened it was the day after I had been in the ER with arrhythmias. Another time they did come get me but because of an emergency they had to come later and I was 15 minutes late to class. I was told by the Public Safety receptionist that their ride pass "was a courtesy." and that they cannot come and pick me up until they have completed what they need to do. 

Last year when I had to take a year off, I hated it. I felt like I wasn't doing anything with my life. While logically I know that I needed to take the year off for medical reasons and needed to get better, I felt disappointed in myself. Whenever people asked me 'What are you doing?' I felt so embarrassed having to tell them I was taking a year off. I know that I'm not the average college person and that I'm not taking a gap year just to goof off or because I'm lazy. I know this. I just have to keep reminding myself this. 

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm supposed to make a living in my life though without getting at least a Bachelor's Degree. Unfortunately with me, we don't know how long I will live. Most people can assume they will outlive their parents and need to be able to support themselves. I don't know. If I don't outlive my parents, then I don't really need to worry about needing to make my own money and being able to support myself since they can help. But if I do outlive them, how am I going to support myself? While I know my parents will leave me something to help, but I don't want to just rely on that. I want to be a functioning and productive member of society. I know what I want to do with my life. I want to work with medically fragile kids. And while I can do that in a volunteer bases, with just my associates degree - not sure I could find a way to do this for a career. The thing is though, because of my health I am not a reliable employee. My work ethic is reliable. My skills are reliable. But my health is not. How am I supposed to find an employer who understands this? And it's not like I can work for myself even because then paying for insurance becomes a big issue. 

At this point though I just need to focus on getting my health in a good place. Once I get that done, I can focus on my future. While I am not going to school I plan on volunteering and working on some personal projects. I'd love to volunteer with Child Life at a children's hospital or Make A Wish since I think I would be able to really connect with those children. I'm also working on turning this blog into a book. While I'd love to get it published, at this point my goal is to just get the book written. I'm going to try and stay busy and be a productive member of society because I can't stand the idea of just having to stay at home doing nothing. I am alive for a reason. I am going to try and serve out my purpose as much as I can. 

Hope and Love,

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My Life As A Chronically
Ill Young Adult
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