I have noticed though that I am not feeling nearly as bad as I was about a week ago - which is good. Which is kind of what makes this so frustrating. I feel pretty normal, and my quality of life has not gone down hill. So why are my numbers so bad?
During my doctor appointment, my doctor told me that I have a great attitude about what I go through. And for the most part, I think I do as well. But today, with my mom beside me, I had to cry. I keep it together most of the time, I suck it up and deal with what life is giving me. But I told her today that I just want a break. I just want a break from the doctor appointments, a break from the what-ifs, a break from the medication. But most importantly, a break from my CHD and PH. I told her that I pretty much take whatever life throws at me, and I usually don't complain. I am able to laugh and enjoy most days. I make a choice to do so. And what is so frustrating to me and what is so scary about this right now is that I feel pretty darn good. So why are my numbers so bad? That's what is so frustrating about this whole thing.
I don't talk to people about the fear, the exhaustion, or how sometimes I just want to cry. There is a handfull of people that I talk about this stuff with. And one of the reasons is, I want to still live every day like a normal person my age would. If I told all my friends and other people in my life about this or what I felt, I worry that they'd ask me more often 'How are you feeling?' and while I appreciate the gesture so much, I don't need to be reminded that I'm sick or that I'm not normal. School is where I go to be like every normal college kid. So I try not to tell people there what I'm going through. I mean if they ask, I'll tell them. But I won't go into great detail and I will most certainly not cry either. Because school is where I can go and do things like a normal person my age would. I don't want that to change. I don't want my friends or my teachers to see me any differently. I just want to enjoy college and be one of the students in the class.
Hope and Love,