But now its over. Now there isn't this magical place to dream about and look forward to. When things got tough this year, I would tell myself; "Just gotta make it 'till Hawaii." Hawaii and the wonderful thought of it kept my thoughts off of Pittsburgh, off of the transplant evaluation. Hawaii was something to look forward to... now what do I look forward to?
Now I have to face reality and be real with myself that this is happening. I don't have anything else to occupy my time with, or distract myself from what is really going on. And to be honest - it sucks. Not going to lie, I've been irritable and a bit cranky. My mom says she can understand why and that Hawaii was a simple fix for a short time, but now I have to really start dealing with this. I have to start dealing with the fact that I am going to have to start making decisions, decisions that are hard and ones that I don't want to be in charge of making. This whole getting older thing and becoming increasingly more involved and in charge of my health stinks and I don't like it.
Writing helps, getting it all out is therapeutic. But other than that, I'm not sure what else to do. I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't want to burden or worry the people in my life that I care about. I think it would be helpful for me to talk to someone who has gone through a heart-lung transplant. Unfortunately, I don't know very many people who have gone through one. A lot of the transplant patients I know only received a heart, which is hard to go through, but its just not the same. The statistics, the wait-list time... everything is different. So if any of you know of someone who has had a heart and lung transplant, or is currently waiting for one and they wouldn't mind talking to me; I would really appreciate it. I think getting to talk to someone who has been there and gone through what I am going through, has felt the way I feel would be really helpful for me. I know I'm not alone in this and that I have more support than I can even imagine, but talking to someone who truly knows what it is like would be so helpful.
Thanks for all the love and support,