It's Not Exciting

Over the past few months, with the talk of transplant, I've had to tell people about the evaluation and the vast majority of people respond the same way. Not with pity. Not with worry or concern. But with a big smile and happiness in their voice when they reply with, "Oh that must be so exciting!" 
It's not. It's not exciting or fun. I was told to think of moving to Pittsburgh as: "One big new exciting adventure!" when I told them how much I dreaded having to move away. It's not an adventure. There is no way for me at this point in my life to look at this transplant journey and be excited about it. I am terrified. 

I don't want to move out of Arizona, the place where I was born and grew up. I don't want to be away from my siblings that I get to see everyday and laugh with. I don't want to live with only one parent at a time, and I don't want to subject my siblings to that either. I don't want to get sick and have to stop going to school. I don't want to move away from all my friends and never get to see them. I don't want to spend months or maybe even years waiting across the country from those who love me. I don't want to be stuck in a hospital bed for months on end, bored and lonely. It's not exciting having IVs in you. It's not exciting being hooked up to monitors 24/7. Being away from your home and all your loved ones is not some great adventure. The very real possibility of dying is not exciting. 

I know though that so often people don't know what to say in moments like these. They don't want me to think they pity me. But they also don't want to add to the fear by adding, 'Wow that's scary.' But here's some advice if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone tells you some big news like needing a transplant. Ask us how we feel about it. So much of the time I feel as if I have to smile and reassure people that it's going to be all okay. But truth be told, I know that this road is long for me and if you just ask me how I feel about it - I would appreciate it so much. I hide a lot of my fear and worries, so when given the chance to vent and get it all off my chest, it is so appreciated. 

Hope and Love,
Becca 

3 comments:

  1. Very well said. I am a stay at home mom and I am on the transplant list for a new liver. I always get the "Well atleast you get to stay home" I would give anything to go out and get a job so I can help provide for my family and cover my medical expences. Sheesh. Im always happy and sad to find other blogs by people who get what Im going through. I look forward to following along!

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  2. You are a very brave and heroic young lady. Putting yourself "out there", when all you may want to do is pull a blanket over your head, is hard and takes courage. But more than that, you are helping others that may be in a similiar situation. You are giving them a way to maybe express what they are feeling and cannot say nearly as eloquently.
    It is not a "grand exciting adventure" and it is scary as all get out. But I do believe that God will not give you more than you can bear, and that He is with you every step of the way. He has also made sure that you do have a very loving and supportive family to take this journey with you.
    More importantly, you are giving others peace, calm, and comfort through your words. By telling others about your fears, concerns, and not so happy moments, you are validating them and their emotions - and letting them know that it is alright not to smile and say " I'm fine". We are here on this earth to learn and to teach others what we have learned. You have a heavy burden to bear, but you are doing it with grace and beauty, and your example is teaching so many.
    God is with you and He and your family will provide you the Comfort and Peace that you need when you have a "weak moment".

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  3. Thank you guys so much! I appreciate all your support!

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My Life As A Chronically
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